I am at a point of learning about myself. I feel like I am always learning about myself. With each child and each pregnancy, how much life changes and how much *I* change out of sheer need, I am forced to learn more about myself.
The last few days have been really hard. I’ve been absolutely horribly nauseas again, at 18 weeks pregnant. Our garden is in full swing. Our daughter (2 years old) fell off of a slide and hit her head on the ladder on the way down then hit the side of her head when she hit the ground and mulch punctured her scalp. We were watching her from a few yards away…it was a company picnic for hubby’s work. All of the kids were playing and it was rainy/slippery. Instead of running for us, she immediately ran out toward then through the parking lot before we could get to her. Hubby got to her and she was covered in blood and mud/dirt and crying hysterically. A quick run home to rinse her off and check out the cuts then an emergency room trip later and she came home with 2 staples on the side of her head and a scraped up knot on top of her head.
My canning has not gotten finished as planned. I’m too tired emotionally and physically to stay up late and work on things each night like I could in my first two pregnancies.
This weekend I started reading my Bible and praying again. It’s been a long time (and by a long time, I mean probably a good 3 years) since I read my Bible or prayed. We’ve had a pretty rough 3 years too. I’m not saying it’s for sure an attack from Satan but it does seem like when we decide to put our trust in God again and really start trying to be a child of God, we are tempted, shaken, tested by some force in the spiritual world.
Yesterday, in particular, my kids acted up so badly that I couldn’t get anything finished. They destroyed the house. I had no motivation or drive to do anything. I ended up in tears and feeling a deeply depressed feeling like I’ve not had in a very long time by the end of the day. Yesterday was my only day to “catch up” before an extremely busy week. I yelled at my kids. I felt like a failure as a mom.
I also read my Bible for the very first time in about 3 years, yesterday. What really stood out to me in my devotional?
” ‘When you are wondering just who you are, don’t look to the people around you. The only true reflection of you identity comes from God himself.’
Psalm 139:13-14 For you created my in most being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; yours works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Perfect for me as I am trying to figure out who I am. Whatever force of spiritual world decided to tear me down immediately as my kids woke up. I felt somewhat crushed as soon as they got awake. I immediately knew it would be a battle to get through the day. I just could not seize the day like usual. None of it normal for me or my kids.
This morning I got up before my kids again until sleeping in and read a passage and my devotional. I felt refreshed. My older two kids woke up just about half way through my writing this and came to my room. My daughter (who never throughs huge fits. VERY rare.), immediately started throwing a royal tantrum. Crying and screaming. Laying on the floor. She woke up my youngest who immediately started throwing his own LOUD fit.
I have an appointment in our hometown this afternoon. I have laundry to do. I have dishes to do. I have tomatoes to toss in jars and can quick this morning before we leave. ALL of which I should have done yesterday.
Instead of reacting with anger and the sarcastic attitude of “Great! This is how this day is going to go…”, like I did yesterday, I decided right then and there, I will NOT let this get me today. Yesterday was horrible because I left it go horribly. I told the older two to lay down in my bed or go back to their own. I got them each a cup of milk and a snack. I am finishing writing my post and finishing my cup of coffee and breakfast (a clif bar…basically all that sounds good in the mornings lately…I get sick of all else until 11 or Noon). Unless something major happens (like another ER trip), they are watching a show on the computer while I hop in the shower, start a load of laundry, and start the dishes. They can hop in the shower themselves (we weren’t home last night and they are filthy) then help me wash tomatoes and toss them in jars and they can help me fold laundry before we leave here in about 5 hours. Today attitudes will be handled with time outs and love, not a depressed mommy. Today, God’s word will stay in my heart and I will not give in to my biggest downfall…depression and feeling like a bad mom. I am not a bad mom…I have bad days. I need to make the day and seize the day with God’s word in my heart.
The learning about myself continues, as a mom and spiritually. The learning continues. I need to embrace it with love and open heart and mind. I need to embrace it with positivity not negativity.